Let's Talk

The Setup- An elliptical table conference. Was supposed to be round table, petty issues stretched too much made it this way. The office is the Home Ministry.

People- Home Minister, Chief Ministers, Naxal Leader.

Agenda- You have to be kidding me.

The Home Minister tried to make everyone feel at home. The sugarless biscuits made everyone feel otherwise. A late probe by the CBI revealed it was a mix of the Austerity Drive and high sugar price. Opposition Chief Ministers clamored taking out the blank protest banners hidden under their kurtas and wrote this agenda on it, UPA CM's blamed the EU and Australia for racial discrimination in exports of sugar, peon took a shot at the Ration shop retailer, others simply blamed fate for making them diabetic.

Home Secretary :- Ladies and Gentlemen, lets put the meeting to order (" To Disorder" is what he thinks in mind). Words like "Telangana, Vidarbha, Gorkhaland, bad tea, cobwebs in the room, my mistress better than yours" should be left to the informal post lunch forum. Sattar(70) Minute, sattar min hai tumhare paas. Shayad yeh.. tumhare zindagi ke sab se… khaas sattar minute.

( Jharkhand, Chattisgarh CM's couldn't hide the giggles- stare from the Home Minister)

Home Minister(referred to as Homey from now on):- So should we start with the Naxalite leader or would the CM's like to put a point first?

Andhra, Orissa, Jharkhand, MP, Chattisgarh jump into it simultaneously and the sound is something like this- My Andhra Pradesh/ screwed up Jharkhand/vandalized Chattisgarh / MP is responsible/ for Orissa's labour crisis.

Home Minister loses it. He stands up with grit and a lot of aggressive intent and says in his South Indian accent- Mujhe states ki naam na sunayie dethe hai, na dhikaie dete hai. Sirf ek mulk-ka-naam sunayie detha hai, I-N-D-I-A

( Gujarat joins the giggles with Chattisgarh and Jharkhand)

The NAXALITE leader was wondering why did his men have to die and kill when there were so many volunteers, he still stood up and said) - Mao Zedong once said.....(he was interrupted)

TN CM woke up, decided maybe there were media cameras around, so he ought to say something, says plight of Tamilians miserable in Sri Lanka.

Homey- Issue in next meeting

Maharashtra- Thackerays getting out of hand.

Homey- Next meeting.

Rajasthan- Gujjars threaten again.

Homey- Next meeting

Naxal Leader- Mao Zedong said....

Homey- Next meeting.

Karnataka- Sri Ram Sena has to be dealt with for beating women.

Homey- Next meeting.

Goa- More foreigners raped.

Homey:- next meeting.

Naxal Leader- Mao Zedong said....

Homey- Next meeting.

(West bengal and Kerala CM's whisper the wisdom to the Naxal leader's ears- " Try quoting Marx - worked for us always"!!!!

Naxal Leader- Kal Marx said....

Homey- Can't you think something of your own, its been 40 years since your fight started. You still quote the same old shit. Seems like a warm place with no memory.

Kerala and WB CM's giggle, whisper to the Naxal leader again- Can't believe you bought that. Noone ever listens to Communists in this country.

Arunachal Pradesh, Mizoram, Manipur, Sikkim go on plucking the rose petals kept on the table and keep mumbling- " We are in India, We are in China- We are in India, we are in China- We are in India, we are in China".

Homey- Can't we come to the agenda now?

Karnataka rises and says- Isn't it time for lunch now?

Home Secretary jumps into this mayhem and says- Please everyone focus on the agenda here. The country has their eyes set on us.

Everyone in chorus- Is it? Damn you planted cameras here??? How much did NDTV/Times Now/ CNN IBN/Doordarshan bribe you??? ( Like you believe the last one has enough to bribe)

Home Secy- No sir , I didn't mean literally.

UP - yeah... we hate Literature. We want no computers, we want no English. Pass on our budget and we shall leave. We've some statues to build you know.

The chaos continues. Homey decides to bring in some discipline. Rises up and says our police force is not competent enough to fight invasion.

J & K- Tell me that. I asked one of the personnel to shoo away the cat that stealthily came into my bedroom and he couldn't even do it. We need better security.

WB- We need reforms.

Uttarakhand- We need loan waiver.

Assam- We want higher NREGA share.

Gujarat- I want some more cookies please. My plate has been empty for long.

Homey loses all hope. All he could say is - Next Meeting !!!

U, Me Aur Cellphone

Sitting in the bus I was looking around if I have any interesting companion as a co-traveller so that a filmy story's seeds may be laid. Lady Luck, who seems to be relishing playing the role of agony aunt on this front, decided the jinx should continue. So I rested back on the seat waiting for the "cleaner/driver/owner/whatever" he was guy to switch on a movie. In the meantime, the decibel levels took off from the launch pad all set to defy the law of physics that light travels faster than sound- it was the chattering of the fellow passengers. The competitiveness appeared as if they have appeard for a reality show- Clamour your way to glamour !!!

So my peace was deliberately trampled upon by these messengers of Satan who found it a defiance of morality to see someone at peace. I decided to scare them with a stare,but their appearence made me decide against it. The next plan of action was to join the bandwagon (ego boss even I wanted my shot to fame to win this nonexistent reality show). So the eyes wandered around to find if there was a soul willing to listen to my wisdom. But noone seemed interested. Vanity had worked hard to climb the stairs of a skyscraper and now it was thrown down from the terrace without slightest of compassion. Then I noticed where the root of the problem was- Vanity found a parachute, honour was resurrected, faith on humanity and its intelligence was restored. What kept the shout wasn't the clout of the fellow companions, they were all instead busy with themselves. The power lay in their hands- the duniya was literally in their mutthi- it was their cellphone.

Sehwag's mother succeeded in motivating him to win a match for the country using the cellphone, Rehman created a new age anthem for the mobiles. The world is not enough for the growing influence of cellphones. Coming back to the crime spot (where there was an attempt to kill my vanity), seeing almost everyone busy with their phones made me draw a mental blank page divided by an imaginary line to illustrate- Before and After. Let me show it to you-


(This is a hypothetical conversation. Any resemblance is purely coincidental)

Before

X:-Hello, My name is X. .
Y(wondering if X's parents didn't love him to keep such a name) .
- Hi there, I'm Y.. I'm an engineer/actor/lawyer/doctor/loser by profession.
What do you do?
X( making sure that he still has the upper hand):- I'm studying life!!!! .
Y thinks with such a name, was X really left with an option??
And the conversation takes off from there.


Now
X(on his phone) :- Hello, Haa this is X here. Can u listen to me?
Y(on her own phone):- Sweetheart I'm sick of listening to you all my life
X:- But I thought we had a deal
Y:- Either that bitch would live or me.
X:- This is extortion.
Y:- I call it emotion
( and the sound mixing continues much to the amusement and fun of onlookers, if there are any)

"Addiction is fatal, but so was monotony, right? So why not get addicted and die". The rod of power is in hands now (no pun intended). Cellphones have spread their empire from the Riches to the wretches. I wonder how this revolution has changed us so much that we just can't resist the temptation to keep our hands busy ( no pun again). Personal wishes have been replaced by texts, grammar has gone for a toss, people don't care to befriend co-passengers ( go back to the crime spot) and we've found a way to keep ourselves busy. This luxury of the past has become an amenity to stay connected. When I was a kid, parents were cautious even to hand me over a glass plate with the fear that I may break it, now parents don't mind handing over expensive cellphones. Change is sweet and delicious only if you are part of the effect cycle and not the necessity one.


I'm a victim myself of this addiction and I believe cellphones would stay- for geeks as a fascinating technology, for majority of people as a means to stay connected, for cynics as only commercial business and for those who don't know which bracket they belong to- for them cellphones would be a mode of amusing experiences.